Friday, March 23, 2007

Baseball Double Feature: Kill the Umpire/Safe at Home!


Heard of small ball? Well, these two baseball films are so small that they barely qualify for B-movie status. Sony went deep into the dugout to find these two black-and-white oldies, which will be of interest to baseball fans because there's a lot of footage of Americana and a few familiar faces in pin-stripes. Both films appear on one single-sided disc in a bargain release being marketed as a Baseball Double Header.

Kill the Umpire (1950)
This one stars William Bendix, best known for playing Chester Riley on "The Life of Riley" sitcom from 1949-58, and for his character's catch-phrase, "What a revoltin' development this is." He plays Bill Johnson, a former ballplayer who can't hold down a job because the sport beckons every spring, summer, and fall. Whether it's catching a cab to a game or sidling up to a set at a bar, Johnson displays all the symptoms of addiction, including shouting about every call an umpire makes. "Kill the umpire!" is his catch-phrase this outing, and frankly it's about as charming as a guy like this is who sits right behind you at a game. This has apparently been going on for quite a while, because he has two daughters (played by Gloria Henry and Connie Marshall), one of whom is old enough to be dating a current ballplayer. And still, his long-suffering wife (Una Merkel) puts up with it--perhaps because her father, Jonah Evans (Ray Collins), was a big-league umpire.

The plot of this 78-minute film is set in motion when Jonah suggests his son-in-law attend umpire school and become a minor league umpire who one day might work his way up to the majors. As in "Stripes" or "Private Benjamin," we get the obligatory comic episodes in umpire training, including one where he borrows eye drops and ends up seeing double for a big exam game, during which he calls everything twice . . . because he sees everything twice. "Ball. Ball." "Strike. Strike." Thereafter, he's got a style and a moniker: Bill "Two Call" Johnson. But Frank Tashlin's script (yes, the same Tashlin who animated Porky Pig and countless other characters) shifts gears pretty quickly after, and the film embraces farce and slapstick with all the who-cares-how-unbelievable-this-is gusto of the old Ben Turpin and Keystone Cops films.

Of course, responsible citizens today might wince a bit when the whole Johnson family fakes a fire in a hi-rise hotel so they can smuggle Bill out past a mob who's after him because of a "blown" call that cost gamblers a pretty penny. They dump newspapers in bathtubs and fan smoke out the window, set trash cans on fire in other rooms, and--hey, how do they get in other people's rooms, anyway? In farce and slapstick, that's no more of an issue than how Bill is able to stand on his feet on a portion of picket fence, dragged at high speeds by an ambulance like a water skier behind a boat.

That's the spirit with which you have to watch "Kill the Umpire." It's silent-movie slapstick all over again, with baseball as the subject matter and a fun appearance by veteran William Frawley. As a comedy of this sort it has entertaining moments, but it's hard to get past the staginess and some of the things that (like the fire-starting) just aren't socially acceptable. You also start to realize where the expression "Put a sock in it" comes from, because there are more than a few times when Johnson opens his mouth to shout abusively when you want to stuff it with the nearest article of clothing. For comedic sequences, this one merits a 6/10.

Safe at Home! (1962)
There are star vehicles, and there are star vehicles. This one's a tricycle that "stars" big-time ballplayers Mickey Mantle and Roger Maris, who are joined briefly by fellow Yankees Whitey Ford and Ralph Houk. They're the only reason why anyone would have wanted to watch this film back in 1962, and that still holds true. Because, golly gee, the goofy plot and tone, the "um-dee-dum" music, the s-l-o-w pacing, and the dialogue that seems all small-talk and clumsy exposition make "Safe at Home!" seem like a long episode of "Leave it to Beaver"--but without the charm of the characters or any real sense of editing.

Still, it's fun seeing legends Mantle and Maris, and almost as fun soaking up footage of life as it was lived in Florida back in 1962. I know that I complained about the pacing, which is incredibly slow, and the editing, which is just as unbelievably sloppy, but it's this slackness that gives us an extended glimpse of Americana that we normally don't get in tightly edited films.

The plot is right out of "Flipper" and "The Brady Bunch." Motherless Hutch Lawton (Bryan Russell) moved from New York to Florida near where the Yankees train. Dad (Don Collier) bought a fishing bought and hopes to make a good living running sportfishing charters. The dock woman (Patricia Barry) is his love-interest as well, though there's not much focus on that. This is a kids film, told from the point of view of kids, aimed at kids, and with dialogue that seems written by kids. It's like watching a whole film full of Eddie Haskells on their best behavior in front of the Cleavers.

Not much happens, either. Young Hutch is pushed into a corner when a smart-aleck rich kid on his Little League team talks smack about Hutch's dad because he's never at any games. Before you know it, Hutch is claiming that his dad not only knows baseball, but that he knows Mantle and Maris and all the Yankees. So does he. And so Hutch has to go to spring camp (where a strange kid back then could apparently just walk into the clubhouse???) and try to convince Mantle and Maris to come to an all-league dinner and help him save face.

But the acting is awful, the screenplay is awful, and the pacing in this 84-minute film is so slow that it starts to feel like a 20-inning game. And a Little League one at that. You start to think that even Mantle and Maris aren't enough for you to endure this, which has the feel of those old health films we were forced to watch in grammar school. Yes, I'm showing my age. But so does this film, which was probably old the day that it opened. A 4 out of 10.

Heard of small ball? Well, these two baseball films are so small that they barely qualify for B-movie status. Sony went deep into the dugout to find these two black-and-white oldies, which will be of interest to baseball fans because there's a lot of footage of Americana and a few familiar faces in pin-stripes. Both films appear on one single-sided disc in a bargain release being marketed as a Baseball Double Header.

Kill the Umpire (1950)
This one stars William Bendix, best known for playing Chester Riley on "The Life of Riley" sitcom from 1949-58, and for his character's catch-phrase, "What a revoltin' development this is." He plays Bill Johnson, a former ballplayer who can't hold down a job because the sport beckons every spring, summer, and fall. Whether it's catching a cab to a game or sidling up to a set at a bar, Johnson displays all the symptoms of addiction, including shouting about every call an umpire makes. "Kill the umpire!" is his catch-phrase this outing, and frankly it's about as charming as a guy like this is who sits right behind you at a game. This has apparently been going on for quite a while, because he has two daughters (played by Gloria Henry and Connie Marshall), one of whom is old enough to be dating a current ballplayer. And still, his long-suffering wife (Una Merkel) puts up with it--perhaps because her father, Jonah Evans (Ray Collins), was a big-league umpire.

The plot of this 78-minute film is set in motion when Jonah suggests his son-in-law attend umpire school and become a minor league umpire who one day might work his way up to the majors. As in "Stripes" or "Private Benjamin," we get the obligatory comic episodes in umpire training, including one where he borrows eye drops and ends up seeing double for a big exam game, during which he calls everything twice . . . because he sees everything twice. "Ball. Ball." "Strike. Strike." Thereafter, he's got a style and a moniker: Bill "Two Call" Johnson. But Frank Tashlin's script (yes, the same Tashlin who animated Porky Pig and countless other characters) shifts gears pretty quickly after, and the film embraces farce and slapstick with all the who-cares-how-unbelievable-this-is gusto of the old Ben Turpin and Keystone Cops films.

Of course, responsible citizens today might wince a bit when the whole Johnson family fakes a fire in a hi-rise hotel so they can smuggle Bill out past a mob who's after him because of a "blown" call that cost gamblers a pretty penny. They dump newspapers in bathtubs and fan smoke out the window, set trash cans on fire in other rooms, and--hey, how do they get in other people's rooms, anyway? In farce and slapstick, that's no more of an issue than how Bill is able to stand on his feet on a portion of picket fence, dragged at high speeds by an ambulance like a water skier behind a boat.

That's the spirit with which you have to watch "Kill the Umpire." It's silent-movie slapstick all over again, with baseball as the subject matter and a fun appearance by veteran William Frawley. As a comedy of this sort it has entertaining moments, but it's hard to get past the staginess and some of the things that (like the fire-starting) just aren't socially acceptable. You also start to realize where the expression "Put a sock in it" comes from, because there are more than a few times when Johnson opens his mouth to shout abusively when you want to stuff it with the nearest article of clothing. For comedic sequences, this one merits a 6/10.

Safe at Home! (1962)
There are star vehicles, and there are star vehicles. This one's a tricycle that "stars" big-time ballplayers Mickey Mantle and Roger Maris, who are joined briefly by fellow Yankees Whitey Ford and Ralph Houk. They're the only reason why anyone would have wanted to watch this film back in 1962, and that still holds true. Because, golly gee, the goofy plot and tone, the "um-dee-dum" music, the s-l-o-w pacing, and the dialogue that seems all small-talk and clumsy exposition make "Safe at Home!" seem like a long episode of "Leave it to Beaver"--but without the charm of the characters or any real sense of editing.

Still, it's fun seeing legends Mantle and Maris, and almost as fun soaking up footage of life as it was lived in Florida back in 1962. I know that I complained about the pacing, which is incredibly slow, and the editing, which is just as unbelievably sloppy, but it's this slackness that gives us an extended glimpse of Americana that we normally don't get in tightly edited films.

The plot is right out of "Flipper" and "The Brady Bunch." Motherless Hutch Lawton (Bryan Russell) moved from New York to Florida near where the Yankees train. Dad (Don Collier) bought a fishing bought and hopes to make a good living running sportfishing charters. The dock woman (Patricia Barry) is his love-interest as well, though there's not much focus on that. This is a kids film, told from the point of view of kids, aimed at kids, and with dialogue that seems written by kids. It's like watching a whole film full of Eddie Haskells on their best behavior in front of the Cleavers.

Not much happens, either. Young Hutch is pushed into a corner when a smart-aleck rich kid on his Little League team talks smack about Hutch's dad because he's never at any games. Before you know it, Hutch is claiming that his dad not only knows baseball, but that he knows Mantle and Maris and all the Yankees. So does he. And so Hutch has to go to spring camp (where a strange kid back then could apparently just walk into the clubhouse???) and try to convince Mantle and Maris to come to an all-league dinner and help him save face.

But the acting is awful, the screenplay is awful, and the pacing in this 84-minute film is so slow that it starts to feel like a 20-inning game. And a Little League one at that. You start to think that even Mantle and Maris aren't enough for you to endure this, which has the feel of those old health films we were forced to watch in grammar school. Yes, I'm showing my age. But so does this film, which was probably old the day that it opened. A 4 out of 10.

No comments: