Friday, March 9, 2007

Open Water 2: Adrift


We are living in a decade overflowing with pointless direct-to-DVD sequels nobody ever wanted to see get made, usually involving no one from the original film. "8MM 2," "Single White Female 2: The Psycho," "Roadhouse 2," "White Noise 2: The Light," and now this drink coaster arrives, "Open Water 2: Adrift." It´s a movie so bad that no matter how many times you flush, it refuses to go down.
A sequel in name only to 2003's unworthy hit "Open Water," "Adrift" follows the same basic premise. Annoying people trapped in the water, forcing you to try and stay wake while you wait to see them drown. The original film took most moviegoers by surprise, its tone similar to the highly successful "Blair Witch Project"; it featured only a handful of characters, a single camera, and hardly any sets, mostly just people screaming at each other. It was less like watching a thriller/horror film and more like watching an ex-girlfriend fake a panic attack.

Supposedly "Adrift" is based on true events, although no matter how hard I tried I couldn't find any information to back this up. If I were portrayed this way on film, I'd try to cover it up, too. A group of attractive, well tanned, perfectly coiffed and overwhelmingly annoying friends go out on a yacht for a good time. If you're going to have fun on a boat, you've got to invite your aquaphobic friend, right? Oh, and tell her to bring her baby with her, too. This is just the beginning of a series of head-shakingly moronic moves the screenwriters force their vacant-eyed stars to perform. Once on the boat the shallow characters let you know who the dumb one is, who the braniac is, etc. This movie doesn't talk down to its audience as much as it draws pictures for them with finger paints. Eventually, the rich one jumps into the water with the one that´s scared of H20 in an effort to cure her of her phobia, and as one might expect, she starts freaking out, which forces us to see a flashback that resembles something off the Hallmark channel. Once the excitement dies down the group of swimming friends realize that everyone except the baby is in the water and they forgot to uncover the ladder on this giant yacht, and there is no way back on the ship…except for the twenty ways anyone in the audience with half a brain could figure out.

Imagine the five most obnoxious people you went to high school with. Now imagine having to spend ninety minutes with them, floating in the water while screaming at you. Not bothered yet? What if the only interruptions were from a crying baby? I've never had a harder time resting the beckoning call of the fast-forward button on my remote. But for you, the readers that I took my oath to protect from stupid, insipid films like "Adrift," I soldiered on, my only reward a set of quickly flashed boobs from a passing boat filled with partiers who couldn't tell these people were in trouble. In an effort to prove how dumb the script is I will leave you with two unbelievable facts: (1) There are absolutely no sharks whatsoever in this waste of plastic. (2) A character dies from being stabbed…while floating outside a boat with only friends around.

We are living in a decade overflowing with pointless direct-to-DVD sequels nobody ever wanted to see get made, usually involving no one from the original film. "8MM 2," "Single White Female 2: The Psycho," "Roadhouse 2," "White Noise 2: The Light," and now this drink coaster arrives, "Open Water 2: Adrift." It´s a movie so bad that no matter how many times you flush, it refuses to go down.
A sequel in name only to 2003's unworthy hit "Open Water," "Adrift" follows the same basic premise. Annoying people trapped in the water, forcing you to try and stay wake while you wait to see them drown. The original film took most moviegoers by surprise, its tone similar to the highly successful "Blair Witch Project"; it featured only a handful of characters, a single camera, and hardly any sets, mostly just people screaming at each other. It was less like watching a thriller/horror film and more like watching an ex-girlfriend fake a panic attack.

Supposedly "Adrift" is based on true events, although no matter how hard I tried I couldn't find any information to back this up. If I were portrayed this way on film, I'd try to cover it up, too. A group of attractive, well tanned, perfectly coiffed and overwhelmingly annoying friends go out on a yacht for a good time. If you're going to have fun on a boat, you've got to invite your aquaphobic friend, right? Oh, and tell her to bring her baby with her, too. This is just the beginning of a series of head-shakingly moronic moves the screenwriters force their vacant-eyed stars to perform. Once on the boat the shallow characters let you know who the dumb one is, who the braniac is, etc. This movie doesn't talk down to its audience as much as it draws pictures for them with finger paints. Eventually, the rich one jumps into the water with the one that´s scared of H20 in an effort to cure her of her phobia, and as one might expect, she starts freaking out, which forces us to see a flashback that resembles something off the Hallmark channel. Once the excitement dies down the group of swimming friends realize that everyone except the baby is in the water and they forgot to uncover the ladder on this giant yacht, and there is no way back on the ship…except for the twenty ways anyone in the audience with half a brain could figure out.

Imagine the five most obnoxious people you went to high school with. Now imagine having to spend ninety minutes with them, floating in the water while screaming at you. Not bothered yet? What if the only interruptions were from a crying baby? I've never had a harder time resting the beckoning call of the fast-forward button on my remote. But for you, the readers that I took my oath to protect from stupid, insipid films like "Adrift," I soldiered on, my only reward a set of quickly flashed boobs from a passing boat filled with partiers who couldn't tell these people were in trouble. In an effort to prove how dumb the script is I will leave you with two unbelievable facts: (1) There are absolutely no sharks whatsoever in this waste of plastic. (2) A character dies from being stabbed…while floating outside a boat with only friends around.

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