I just want to collapse my head between my hands and cry because I actually have to review this turd. I believe the Geneva convention has a few clauses in there that protect us against cruel and unusual punishment and having to not only sit through this horrendous excuse for a motion picture and then type a few words about it is absolutely cruel. I´m not a wrestling fan and didn´t even know that John Cena is a big name in the WWE (no longer confused with the WWF – World Wildlife Federation). After Rowdy Roddy Piper retired, I was done with that farce. I did know that Robert Patrick was given a juicy role in an action film and there was a high speed Camaro Z/28-SS chase in the film. Yeah. More on that later. Now being educated on the knowledge that this is a movie produced by the WWE and having seen the car chase, I wish I had never watched this 92 minute attack on my jugular.
Let´s talk about the car chase, because it is the epitome of why this movie blows chunks. John Cena and Kelly Carlson find their characters getting some gas at a South Caroline gas stop. They are in a big SUV. They run across the bad guy, played poorly by the underused Robert Patrick, and his henchmen – the guy that was "Tank" in "The Matrix" kills a cop who has pulled in to fill up his Z/28-SS police interceptor. The poor Camaro is shot full of bullet holes and has at least one front tire blown by a bullet. The bad guys drive off in the SUV with the wife and leaves Cena behind with the beat to snot Z/28. Guess what? The tire has air in it! So, Cena speeds off in hot pursuit and is welcomed with a massive onslaught of bullets that defies the capacity of the largest banana clips. Of course, the metal body of the Camaro deflects the bullets with ease. Yes, I know. Camaros are made out of plastic, except for the two rear quarter panels that protect the fuel tank. The tires are again blown out, but magically lose their holes and fill up with air within seconds. The camera even zooms in to ensure the audience that the tires are just fine. What the hell? It is far worse than I even describe here, as is the rest of the film.
I could discuss the scenes where both Robert Patrick and John Cena miraculously escape large explosions without even a hint of dirt or wear and tear. I could discuss the absolutely lousy dialogue or near horrific one-liners. I could try to explain the plot. I could look at the numerous errors in military garb, hand-to-hand techniques and then I could discuss the politics and discharge of Cena´s character from the Marines; another complete impossibility. None of this matters much. There is nothing remotely close to serious or entertaining in this film. The writing just cannot get any worse than this. The WWE apparently had a drunken monkey locked up for about forty minutes and even that wasn´t a tight deadline considering what semblance of a story was spit out.
There exists one decent line in the film. At one point, during the Christine, errr Camaro chase, Cena is likened to the Terminator. The camera shows Robert Patrick in the rearview mirror. Kelly Carlson looks absolutely amazing in her tight white tank top. Aside from that, please avoid this horrid excuse of a film. I beg you. There are some very nice documentaries out there on Pandas and Koalas by the World Wildlife Federation. They are far more exciting than this dredge served up by the World Wrestling Entertainment folks. I´ve sat through "Battlefield Earth." I´ve watched "Plan 9 From Outer Space" a couple of times and I feel "Waterworld" is an underappreciated classic. John Carpenter´s "Dark Star" and its beach-ball alien was far more realistic. Compared to the thousands of films I´ve watched, "The Marine" may very well be the worst film I have ever seen; even with a Camaro chase seen (Camaro is almost a religion for this reviewer). Do yourself a favor and avoid this diseased turd like the plague. You´ll thank me for it later. Pumas. I´m serious.
Let´s talk about the car chase, because it is the epitome of why this movie blows chunks. John Cena and Kelly Carlson find their characters getting some gas at a South Caroline gas stop. They are in a big SUV. They run across the bad guy, played poorly by the underused Robert Patrick, and his henchmen – the guy that was "Tank" in "The Matrix" kills a cop who has pulled in to fill up his Z/28-SS police interceptor. The poor Camaro is shot full of bullet holes and has at least one front tire blown by a bullet. The bad guys drive off in the SUV with the wife and leaves Cena behind with the beat to snot Z/28. Guess what? The tire has air in it! So, Cena speeds off in hot pursuit and is welcomed with a massive onslaught of bullets that defies the capacity of the largest banana clips. Of course, the metal body of the Camaro deflects the bullets with ease. Yes, I know. Camaros are made out of plastic, except for the two rear quarter panels that protect the fuel tank. The tires are again blown out, but magically lose their holes and fill up with air within seconds. The camera even zooms in to ensure the audience that the tires are just fine. What the hell? It is far worse than I even describe here, as is the rest of the film.
I could discuss the scenes where both Robert Patrick and John Cena miraculously escape large explosions without even a hint of dirt or wear and tear. I could discuss the absolutely lousy dialogue or near horrific one-liners. I could try to explain the plot. I could look at the numerous errors in military garb, hand-to-hand techniques and then I could discuss the politics and discharge of Cena´s character from the Marines; another complete impossibility. None of this matters much. There is nothing remotely close to serious or entertaining in this film. The writing just cannot get any worse than this. The WWE apparently had a drunken monkey locked up for about forty minutes and even that wasn´t a tight deadline considering what semblance of a story was spit out.
There exists one decent line in the film. At one point, during the Christine, errr Camaro chase, Cena is likened to the Terminator. The camera shows Robert Patrick in the rearview mirror. Kelly Carlson looks absolutely amazing in her tight white tank top. Aside from that, please avoid this horrid excuse of a film. I beg you. There are some very nice documentaries out there on Pandas and Koalas by the World Wildlife Federation. They are far more exciting than this dredge served up by the World Wrestling Entertainment folks. I´ve sat through "Battlefield Earth." I´ve watched "Plan 9 From Outer Space" a couple of times and I feel "Waterworld" is an underappreciated classic. John Carpenter´s "Dark Star" and its beach-ball alien was far more realistic. Compared to the thousands of films I´ve watched, "The Marine" may very well be the worst film I have ever seen; even with a Camaro chase seen (Camaro is almost a religion for this reviewer). Do yourself a favor and avoid this diseased turd like the plague. You´ll thank me for it later. Pumas. I´m serious.
I just want to collapse my head between my hands and cry because I actually have to review this turd. I believe the Geneva convention has a few clauses in there that protect us against cruel and unusual punishment and having to not only sit through this horrendous excuse for a motion picture and then type a few words about it is absolutely cruel. I´m not a wrestling fan and didn´t even know that John Cena is a big name in the WWE (no longer confused with the WWF – World Wildlife Federation). After Rowdy Roddy Piper retired, I was done with that farce. I did know that Robert Patrick was given a juicy role in an action film and there was a high speed Camaro Z/28-SS chase in the film. Yeah. More on that later. Now being educated on the knowledge that this is a movie produced by the WWE and having seen the car chase, I wish I had never watched this 92 minute attack on my jugular.
Let´s talk about the car chase, because it is the epitome of why this movie blows chunks. John Cena and Kelly Carlson find their characters getting some gas at a South Caroline gas stop. They are in a big SUV. They run across the bad guy, played poorly by the underused Robert Patrick, and his henchmen – the guy that was "Tank" in "The Matrix" kills a cop who has pulled in to fill up his Z/28-SS police interceptor. The poor Camaro is shot full of bullet holes and has at least one front tire blown by a bullet. The bad guys drive off in the SUV with the wife and leaves Cena behind with the beat to snot Z/28. Guess what? The tire has air in it! So, Cena speeds off in hot pursuit and is welcomed with a massive onslaught of bullets that defies the capacity of the largest banana clips. Of course, the metal body of the Camaro deflects the bullets with ease. Yes, I know. Camaros are made out of plastic, except for the two rear quarter panels that protect the fuel tank. The tires are again blown out, but magically lose their holes and fill up with air within seconds. The camera even zooms in to ensure the audience that the tires are just fine. What the hell? It is far worse than I even describe here, as is the rest of the film.
I could discuss the scenes where both Robert Patrick and John Cena miraculously escape large explosions without even a hint of dirt or wear and tear. I could discuss the absolutely lousy dialogue or near horrific one-liners. I could try to explain the plot. I could look at the numerous errors in military garb, hand-to-hand techniques and then I could discuss the politics and discharge of Cena´s character from the Marines; another complete impossibility. None of this matters much. There is nothing remotely close to serious or entertaining in this film. The writing just cannot get any worse than this. The WWE apparently had a drunken monkey locked up for about forty minutes and even that wasn´t a tight deadline considering what semblance of a story was spit out.
There exists one decent line in the film. At one point, during the Christine, errr Camaro chase, Cena is likened to the Terminator. The camera shows Robert Patrick in the rearview mirror. Kelly Carlson looks absolutely amazing in her tight white tank top. Aside from that, please avoid this horrid excuse of a film. I beg you. There are some very nice documentaries out there on Pandas and Koalas by the World Wildlife Federation. They are far more exciting than this dredge served up by the World Wrestling Entertainment folks. I´ve sat through "Battlefield Earth." I´ve watched "Plan 9 From Outer Space" a couple of times and I feel "Waterworld" is an underappreciated classic. John Carpenter´s "Dark Star" and its beach-ball alien was far more realistic. Compared to the thousands of films I´ve watched, "The Marine" may very well be the worst film I have ever seen; even with a Camaro chase seen (Camaro is almost a religion for this reviewer). Do yourself a favor and avoid this diseased turd like the plague. You´ll thank me for it later. Pumas. I´m serious.
Let´s talk about the car chase, because it is the epitome of why this movie blows chunks. John Cena and Kelly Carlson find their characters getting some gas at a South Caroline gas stop. They are in a big SUV. They run across the bad guy, played poorly by the underused Robert Patrick, and his henchmen – the guy that was "Tank" in "The Matrix" kills a cop who has pulled in to fill up his Z/28-SS police interceptor. The poor Camaro is shot full of bullet holes and has at least one front tire blown by a bullet. The bad guys drive off in the SUV with the wife and leaves Cena behind with the beat to snot Z/28. Guess what? The tire has air in it! So, Cena speeds off in hot pursuit and is welcomed with a massive onslaught of bullets that defies the capacity of the largest banana clips. Of course, the metal body of the Camaro deflects the bullets with ease. Yes, I know. Camaros are made out of plastic, except for the two rear quarter panels that protect the fuel tank. The tires are again blown out, but magically lose their holes and fill up with air within seconds. The camera even zooms in to ensure the audience that the tires are just fine. What the hell? It is far worse than I even describe here, as is the rest of the film.
I could discuss the scenes where both Robert Patrick and John Cena miraculously escape large explosions without even a hint of dirt or wear and tear. I could discuss the absolutely lousy dialogue or near horrific one-liners. I could try to explain the plot. I could look at the numerous errors in military garb, hand-to-hand techniques and then I could discuss the politics and discharge of Cena´s character from the Marines; another complete impossibility. None of this matters much. There is nothing remotely close to serious or entertaining in this film. The writing just cannot get any worse than this. The WWE apparently had a drunken monkey locked up for about forty minutes and even that wasn´t a tight deadline considering what semblance of a story was spit out.
There exists one decent line in the film. At one point, during the Christine, errr Camaro chase, Cena is likened to the Terminator. The camera shows Robert Patrick in the rearview mirror. Kelly Carlson looks absolutely amazing in her tight white tank top. Aside from that, please avoid this horrid excuse of a film. I beg you. There are some very nice documentaries out there on Pandas and Koalas by the World Wildlife Federation. They are far more exciting than this dredge served up by the World Wrestling Entertainment folks. I´ve sat through "Battlefield Earth." I´ve watched "Plan 9 From Outer Space" a couple of times and I feel "Waterworld" is an underappreciated classic. John Carpenter´s "Dark Star" and its beach-ball alien was far more realistic. Compared to the thousands of films I´ve watched, "The Marine" may very well be the worst film I have ever seen; even with a Camaro chase seen (Camaro is almost a religion for this reviewer). Do yourself a favor and avoid this diseased turd like the plague. You´ll thank me for it later. Pumas. I´m serious.
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